Stealing Christmas


Rejoice dear friends, for that time of year is upon us once again. I know it was only a few days ago we were celebrating the odd holiday that smears the genocide of an entire race of humans, and swaps it with fruit salad and overcooked popcorn fart dry turkey, but that’s a different story. No my little babes, it’s time to talk some shit about Christmas. I won’t make this too long winded, and absolutely destroy all of your previous thoughts and beliefs of the sacred holiday we are about to celebrate. Go find your ass cheeks a nice comfy chair, grab a glass of wine, or ginger ale if you’re on Alcohol Probation like me. (We’ll talk about that at a later date.)

   Jesus Christ, where do I even start? See what I did there? To truly understand what Christmas is, and I don’t mean spiritually, or emotionally you damn hippy. I mean from a purely chronological perspective. When and where did that bitch come from? Before I start pulling names and dates, we need to get one thing clear. I don’t talk shit about stuff that I do not have empirical, factual, and/or provable data behind it. It will never come from some crazy left/right wing website, or from my uncle Steve from Kentucky. I am, and will continue to be a voracious reader and seeker of data until the day I die. Some might call me a warehouse of useless knowledge, but let’s not get side tracked. Fact check me if you want. Or dont. It changes nothing.

    Back to it. Christmas itself by definition is the Christian celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. (I giggled just now.) It takes place on December 25th, and it’s first celebration was alleged to be around the year 300AD. We can talk about about Santa, stockings, elves, and reindeer later. Trust me when I say, it might amaze you what you’re about to read.

We will now change gears to who stole Christmas, and in short, it’s us. By us, I mean, Christians. You see, thousands of years before the cute story book called the Bible was written, there were these ancient beings called Norsemen. For the sake of time, and mitigating carpal tunnel, we’ll refer to all Norsemen as Vikings for easier connections with all of the Nordic areas of the world at that time. (Denmark, Finland, Sweden, Norway, Northern Germany.) These ancient people had a Winter Holiday they celebrated annually. The Germans had their own thing, (Identical, just different names) but we’ll lump them in too.

What was it called?…………………YULE. The Winter Viking Celebration of life, and let me tell you. It was amazing. Yule was a celebration near the winter solstice that lasted approximately 12 days. It was basically an offering to the GODS, to “Please let us survive winter, please.” During Yule, village people would decorate evergreens with charms, and runes to appease the spirits, and persuade the trees to “Come back” next year. Tree decorating? Weird. They would also cut down massive trees and brought them inside, where they would carve characters, runes, and designs onto them. These were the Yuletide logs, and would be burned throughout the celebration. Bringin trees into a house? Weird. The children would also leave carrots and straw in their boots to feed Odin’s EIGHT legged horse Sleipnir. Weird. On top of that, Odin is said to live in a magical realm called Asgard, where he is the Allfather/King. There are nine realms and one of them is Alfheim, where the ELVES live.

Now do you see? I hate to burst people’s bubbles but….Wait…That’s a lie. Who am I kidding? I love it. Now, don’t take what I say out of context though. The idea, spirituality, and morals behind Christmas are amazing. Do onto others, goodwill, and peace on Earth; all good stuff. However, we need to call a spade a spade. Christmas is a carbon copy of Yule, and that’s not something to be ashamed of. Religions/cultures have a tendency to borrow stories from one another, and that will continue forever. Like that myth about that god who was in love with a mortal woman. So he gave her a child through immaculate conception. The child would grow into a brave demigod, with supernatural powers, and change the world around him? Say it with me…1..2…3…Hercules! (You thought it was Jesus.)

At any rate. Regardless what you beleive, I’m sure we can all agree this is a wonderful time of year. I received my results from Ancestry DNA this past year, and it turns out I have more Viking/Scandinavian blood in my lineage than I previously thought. Don’t get me wrong though, I will sure as shit decorate a tree, put myself in credit card debt, and tell my new baby daughter Aela about Santa and his elves…..But….She’s going to get a second story too. She might get made fun of in school later in life, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t share the magic of the ancient world with her just because Christianity owns Yule today. So my friends, it is with a happy and loving heart that I wish you all a very Merry Christmas….and a Happy Yule year?!



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